Discipline without Timeouts

It seems like timeouts are in vogue as a method to discipline kids. Since spanking has fallen out of favor, the society seems to have come up with a new method of punishing kids. It is fairly common for popular parenting books such as 1-2-3 Magic or Have a New Kid by Friday, to recommend a system of using rewards and punishments to entice good behavior. In fact they seem to break down parenting into an algorithm – if you don’t listen to me three times – you can go into the other room and cry. It seems more like they are intent on building obedient pets or servants fearful of their masters (parents) rather than loving children.

In my opinion, timeouts and bribery are a completely inappropriate method for disciplining kids. When I was young, as far as I can remember, I was never subject to timeouts or other forms of punishment, or even bribery. And I have done fine – at least no drugs, no homicide, no running away from home – and have been reasonable successful in life. If I could have been raised without having been subject to timeouts or spanking, why can’t my daughter?

The reason I believe that punishment and rewards don’t work as discipline is that they are externally imposed. It implies the existence of an authority figure who the kids are supposed to obey to. The problem is what happens in the absence of such a figure, when the kids are alone – or at school – or with friends? If there is no one to reprimand them or reward them will they behave the way you expect them to or will they just do what they’ve always felt like? My belief is that unless they have an intrinsic value system which will help them choose between good and bad they will no doubt misbehave. That is where, externally imposed discipline fails – in building an internal value system.

The other problem with an authoritarian approach is that it creates a distance between the child and a parent and instead of the parent child relationship then based on mutual respect and love it becomes a relationship based on fear and conflict. At some point when the kids will grow they are bound to rebel. And at that time timeouts or rewards will not work.

So if there are no timeouts how do you teach a kid good behavior? I am still looking for a good solution. In order to explore this subject further I decided to read through the following three books on the subject:

• Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child – John Gottman
• Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline – Barbara Coloroso.
• Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed – Mary Kurcinka

Another book that I didn’t buy but is recommended is – How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. As I finish reading these books, I’ll add more in depth reviews for each book and what is the plan they outline and if their advice is something reasonable that can be followed.

One thing that I was really glad with is that our daughter’s new school does not use timeouts. In fact, all of the schools we talked with claimed that they do not use timeouts to discipline the kid. That at least tells me that there are people who will inculcate good behavior in kids without resorting to punishments.